wow..
looking at bangkok pictures
i realise how ugly i can look
its the main reason why i say
my looks are artificial
hmmm which means
i have to blow dry
put on make up
dress up
to look good

on an ordinary day
at home
i would look totally horrible

hmmm my future bf mus be able to take it

wahahhaha shock sia if he wakes up next to someone
who looks totally different

cause my hair would stand and i would look like shit

oh well such worries would come next time

maybe its kinda depressing to think that
i have to rely so much on this materialistic stuff
to make me feel like im something
to make me feel like i belong somewhere

hmmm having an image is something growing on to me
for example
i used to be able to go town in shorts and shirts and
i wun feel pai seh that i look shabby in town
i will be like ahhh fuck off

but now i be like cannot go town mus wear eyeliner and blusher

but if i go work
i also wun care i jus wear my uniform home
i wun like bring extra clothes to look nice

so wads wrong wit me..hmmm

maybe im jus odd

sometimes i care
sometimes i dun

i can dress up look nice
but talk so horribly and people be like
eh u dress so nice talk like shit
and i be like ah fuck off

maybe there are somethings in me i should change

reflecting reflecting

some people says dun change
u r who u r

some people say
i tink u should learn to speak more tactfully
ur words sometimes hurt people

i dunno

maybe when i care alot for someone
i say it as it is
when i see potential for change
i say it as it is
when i really care and want the best
i would say

and perhaps it hurts
and perhaps it stinks
but thats the way i show love

or maybe i like to insult or joke
to break the silence
to break the uncomfortable feeling

perhaps.

i dunno
but i need to do some self reflecting

there is definitely something wrong wit me
and not others.

a fren once said
dun wait for others to change
change urself first

and i tink its true.

-=reflection=-

nitegems